In a nutshell…
January 26, 2010
It’s no secret I’ve been trying the online dating thing for a while now. To say I’ve had some outlandish e-mails would be an understatement.
There was the twenty-one year old who likes older women. I guess if I were so inclined I could teach him a thing or two… But little boys are not my thing.
How about the one from the “seventy-something” assuring me I should widen my perspective and consider all the fun we might have together…
Or the “Hey Baby” Lotharios who think they’re too cool, and evidently can’t read. Or at the very least, can’t comprehend the written word.
What part of “No casual encounters…“
Or, “Please don’t contact me if…“ is so hard to understand?!
I did receive an interesting e-mail recently from a guy who saw my profile, and seems genuinely sincere. He was polite, articulate– and used spell check. Always a positive!
He asked me to define what it is I want, relationship wise.
“What would work for you, long-term?”
In a nutshell: I want real. I want ordinary, I want everyday. Dare I say, I’d even welcome mundane. Because mundane is part of real.
I’m tired of coming home to an empty apartment. Somewhere in the last year, I turned a corner and realized I’m tired of going it alone.
I’ve done solitary very well, for a very long time. For several years, I was content with my own company.
My mother’s death was a blow, in more ways than the obvious. Losing my parents was the one thing I had prayed– consistently– that I would not have to endure by myself. I just didn’t think I was strong enough to handle it.
The night Mom died, I called my best friend at 3:00 am. Technically, I wasn’t completely alone, for which I will forever be grateful.
But after the shock faded, I couldn’t help but ponder my life.
My mother died in my stepfather’s arms. The love they shared was a gift to both. He adored her.
And he, in turn, was the love of her life.
Her death made me look at relationships with a different perspective. Coming to terms with the idea of wanting a man in my life has been a struggle.
Why risk angst, all over again?
The answer is simple. Human beings need connection. We need each other. Even in the animal world, companionship makes for contentment.
Having said all that… independence is a focal part of who I am. I don’t want my wings clipped. And I have no desire to wield the scissors on anyone else, either.
I want a man with a life of his own, who will respect that I have a life of my own. The importance of fidelity shouldn’t have to be mentioned– it should be a given.
And I want a new best friend.
(Not to take away from my current best friend– I love her. But I have no desire to sleep next to her every night!)
I want a man I can lean on, when I need to. And in turn, I want him to feel he can lean on me, when he needs to. I want to fill that place for someone, as much as I want my own places filled.
And I want spanking. Lots and lots of spanking…
Punishment?
January 19, 2010
Letter To My Lover
January 12, 2010
I did have a dream like this. I actually got out of bed at three in the morning to write it down.
I had a dream one night.
I dreamt of the man I’m longing for.
In my dream, we met. He told me he’d like to love me… but love is complicated, and tends to bring regret. We parted, and I found myself wishing I could convince him that I am different.
I have no desire to bring misfortune to his life. So I wrote him a letter. Words are often easier to express in writing, rather than speaking.
My desire is to never hurt you. I can’t promise to never disappoint, or anger you—I am, after all, human. But during these times, I will willingly bare myself and submit to your correction. The implements, duration, severity… these are your decisions to make. My gift of penance to our relationship.
I’ll try to always be everything you think most women are not: Responsible, frugal, self-sufficient. I’ll try to be a help to you… in whatever way you need.
My desire is for a bond with you—and only you. I promise to do my best to understand you, listen to you, and love you.
I need to feel your arms around me, your body over mine, your fingers stroking my hair.
And I need to feel your discipline.
I need to feel your hand warm my bottom. I need to feel your belt, still warm from your body, sear my skin. And afterward, I need to feel your soothing touch. In short, I need you.
My hope is that you will find you need me, too…


