Her Secret Corner… Spanking Erotica

While browsing in a bookstore, I read a thought-provoking question in an inspirational book:

If you knew for certain that very, very soon all your dreams would be coming true, what would you do today to prepare the way?

Hmm, lets see…

Buy new lingerie?

Exercise more?

Place an ad in a singles column?

Break down and order the fantasy implements?

Wax or shave a bit more than usual?

Invest in a French-maid or school-girl outfit?

So many choices!

Did I get some mail concerning my last two posts!

“Don’t do it, Cydni!   Don’t settle for less than what you want!  You won’t be happy…”

Let me just say– first off– thank you, all.   It always amazes me how many follow this blog, and some of you have been reading here since I first started writing.   Though we don’t actually know one another, many of you have come to feel like friends, and I’m touched by the caring and support you’ve offered.

I finally had that good cry I’d been needing, sans the spanking.   Tears really are cleansing; they clear the head in a way not much else can.   And in case anyone is wondering– no, I’m not crying over a man.   I find myself going through a wave of grief that came quite unexpectedly, hence the rumination I seem to be doing.

When I write, it’s not always auto-biographical.   Sometimes it’s a reflection of my own life; sometimes something I’ve read on another blog or forum sparks a thought and I run with it.   Quite often it’s a hybrid– a combination of my own contemplations mixed with what others are considering.

Emotional freedom?

To me, that comes with real understanding, open communication, and being true to who you are.   What really struck me was how many of you zoned in on the line in that post where I said I’m afraid of falling in love with a man who doesn’t want what I want.   That was a broad statement; I’ll just say it wasn’t meant to only encompass spanking…

Regarding a “person of kink” setting down roots with a vanilla partner, my personal take is simple:  No, I don’t think it is possible to find true happiness.

I’ll be forthright and admit to that post being a hybrid.   A question posed by another woman brought to mind a possibility that has existed in my own life for some time.

Would it be good in many ways?

Undoubtedly.   But it would not be real.   And I want real.

Sometimes we consider compromises.   Maybe, because we’re weary.   Or fed-up.   Or simply lonely.

One of my friends lived in San Francisco for several years.   Although she found it a beautiful city, her loneliness was palpable.   I recall her saying it was possible to be standing on a street corner, surrounded by other people, and yet feel more alone than ever.

I never understood that until I moved to LA.   I remember driving down Santa Monica Blvd. one night, looking around at the sea of humanity I was mired in, and I felt more alone than I ever had.

I also remember the frustration of being in a vanilla relationship.   I remember that feeling of wanting so much more.   I remember lying next to someone and yet feeling completely alone.

I happen to think it is better to continue to be alone, rather than settle for less than what one really wants.

The desire for spanking is a legitimate part of some of us, and it’s something that I personally no longer want to hide or deny.   I don’t want to hide this blog, or hide my writing.   Or attempt to clear my desk of the stacks of notes with kinky references!

I am what I am, and I am who I am.   My best friend tells me I am an amazing woman.   She loves me, so of course she says that!

I don’t think I’m amazing, but I am proud of who I am today.   And the woman I am doesn’t settle.   I want a partner who not only understands my desires, but shares them.

Maybe for the moment my bottom is still lily white, but that doesn’t mean it will always be!

For those of you facing similar scenarios, let me just say, be true to your own heart.   Each of us know, deep down, what we are really hoping to find.   As long as our desires are realistic, there is no reason to opt out of the race early.

I have an affinity for sixties music.   Being the youngest of three, with siblings both a decade my senior, I have early memories of “freedom rock.”

My older sister was the epitome of the free-spirited “hippy-chick” and I’ve often envied her her birth order.   That era was a time of change, revelation, and forward thinking.

That decade also came with great tragedy.   Some of the most thought provoking melodies ever, emerged during those years.

Recently, on a long drive, I passed freeway time listening to the legendary Janis Joplin.   Her soulful, bluesy twang never fails to move me.   The lyrics of Me and Bobby McGee flowed loudly through my car…

“I was feeling near as faded as my jeans…”

I nodded absently, because I, too, have been feeling a bit “faded” lately.   I found myself paying attention to verses I’ve heard countless times…

“Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose… nothin’… and it ain’t nothin’, honey, if it ain’t free…”

I began thinking about freedom, and not necessarily in the conventional sense.

What constitutes emotional freedom?

Is freedom just another way of saying, “There’s nothing left to lose?”   Or is it really about not committing, so we never have to feel the pain of a loss?   Or is it plain selfishness– simply not wanting to give of ourselves?

Do we run from emotional entanglements because we’re scared?

Do we settle for less than what we want because we’re scared?

A few days ago, a friend asked me if I ever miss my ex.

“I’d trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday…”

There was a time when that lyric rang true for me.   Not so today.   I don’t miss him;  I miss the idea of him.

I miss the notion of a happy relationship; a home that feels like a home; spanking; connection.

“Bobby shared the secrets of my soul…”

Even so, I can admit to being scared.   Scared of making the same mistakes all over again, a decade later.   Scared of making wrong choices.   Scared of settling, because I’m scared of going for what I really want.   Scared of falling in love with a man who doesn’t want what I want.

The last five years or so, I’ve felt emotionally free.   (As far as men go, anyway.)   When I wore a ring on my finger, free is not how I would have described my emotional state.   And I’m not referring to commitment here.

Maybe its wise to be somewhat scared.   Fear can serve as a protective state of being.

But it can also be paralyzing.   How to move forward is the question of the day.

Do we throw caution to the wind, knowing there is the chance of suffering yet another broken heart?

Do we live for the moment, taking whatever satisfaction it may provide?

“Feeling good was good enough for me…”

Or do we self-protect, stay on the safe road, knowing it might be a bit boring at times, but our hearts are in no danger?

“Through everything we’d done… I let him slip away…”

How does one decide which path to take?   Can emotional freedom come from moments of fulfillment– however fleeting– or does it come from feeling safe?

If you are a person of kink, is it possible to find true happiness with a vanilla partner?

What if there is a man (or woman) in your life that you know would be good to you– loving, faithful, sincere– but you also know your interests are not shared?

What if there is chemistry, and friendship, but no chance of going over his knee?   Or, if you’re a man– putting her over your knee?

Is it possible to find fulfillment in the fantasy realm?   If all other factors fit, is spanking (or lack of) meaningful enough to be a deal-breaker?

Will frustration fester as the years go by, or at some point, do you just count yourself fortunate to have a loving partner in your life?

Age, and time, change all of us.   In the larger scheme of life, how does one decide what really matters?   And if a person makes the decision to go without a much desired want, how to best live with that decision?

At some point, do you make a conscious choice to lower walls you’ve kept firmly in place?   Knowing, that if you do, you’ll have no right to lament the loss you know you will feel…

In the whole equation, what factors add up to “enough”?

Sometimes a girl just needs a good cry.

Men often don’t understand a woman’s need to cry it out.   There are moments when life just feels heavy, and tears provide a much needed release.

Many men find this awkward.   The show of emotion is often more than they are comfortable dealing with.

For several years I found myself holding in my emotions, and old habits are hard to break.   I find it difficult to cry these days, even when I really want (or need) to.

Maybe that’s part of the appeal of spanking.   It provides a legitimate reason to let the tears flow.   After all, spankings hurt and crying is often a natural response to physical pain.   Emotion doesn’t have to enter into it…

Does it?

I took a quiz today at a website called Ok Cupid.    The theme was “Are you sexually submissive?”

According to the results I’m “borderline”.    54% Submissive.   “On the fence, but intrigued.”

Hmmm…

*Follow up to Love Doesn’t Come For Free

I’ve been married once.   And I came very close a second time.   Often, that engagement felt more like a marriage than the actual one.   None the less, I walked down the aisle– white dress, sacred vows, formal ceremony– once.

Marriage was a nightmare.   No way do I want to repeat that particular experience, nor would I live like that again.

Having posted that being an adult and thriving in adult relationships requires compromise:   Where does one draw the line?

When I left my ex-husband, I accused him of wanting me to be his entertainment.   He quietly agreed:   Yes, that was what he wanted from me.

I have always been somewhat solitary.   I can be very social, but I’m also very good at being alone.   I’d go so far as to say “alone time” is not just a luxury for me, it’s a need.

Being a man’s entertainment is not in my genetic make-up.   And truthfully, there were much larger problems between us, most of which would have been difficult to find compromises for.

I have given considerable thought to domestic discipline, but spanking would not have made a difference in either of my past relationships, in view of the issues.   I think DD is a great tool when used correctly, but the underlying foundation has to be strong.

Today, being a little older and hopefully a lot wiser, I have to wonder what might be the key to “Happy Ever After…”

Love doesn’t come for free, but it should not be the cliched “ball and chain”, either.

I’m no expert, but it seems to me that balance and real compatibility are at least part of the secret.

Most women want to feel they are a priority to the men they love.   And I’m assuming men feel the same.   Bad behavior usually comes from insecurity, and insecurity usually comes from feeling neglected.

Real affection, genuine trust and a certain spark that exists between two people in love form a strong foundation.   Wanting similar things from life removes the need for certain compromises.   And I can’t say enough about really liking one another.   It is quite possible to love someone while not liking them.

Ideally, your mate should be your best friend.   He or she should be the person you most want to see at the end of the day.   If that is there, the need for compromise goes down dramatically.

Personally, I would like to marry again.   Settle down.   Be best friends with a special guy.

I’ve had that spark before.   My ex-fiance was my best friend at one point in time, and while we were together, I never lost the feeling that he was the only person I wanted to see at the end of the day.   To the very end, when he walked through the door, my heart fluttered.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find that again, but I hope so.   Being older and wiser, I know some things will be very different– as they should be.   And I know spanking has to be part of any life I have with a man.

I also know compromise will be a part, but if I choose wisely– only a small part.

I lost my cat eighteen months ago.   It was about the worst timing life could have thrown at me.

To say that things had imploded would be an understatement.  That period was– hands down– the darkest in my life.    My cat getting sick and dying was close to the last straw.   It was one of the few times I can remember wanting to give up.

My best friend offered the typical words of comfort we all say.  But she also added a bit of wisdom that has stayed with me:  Love doesn’t come for free.

My little guy provided comfort and companionship, along with lots of laughs and smiles.  When he died, it hurt terribly.  That hurt was the price of the love I had for him.

Of course, there have been much deeper sorrows over the last few years.   Each time I have remembered those words.

Life is not perfect.  Adult situations require compromise, hard work at times, and definitely come with disappointments.

But if we constantly try to avoid life’s hurts and inconveniences, what might we miss out on?

If we keep ourselves so busy that we have no time to let someone in, could we be missing out on much greater things?

At some point, we all have to grow up.  Step up to the plate.  Become men.  Or women.

There is a line in a Billy Joel song that goes something like,  “I found out being a man ain’t just being macho…”

In our world, being a man means different things to different people.  But I think most would agree it requires being strong, reliable– and most importantly– present.  Its not just about the psychology of the “game.”

And what does being a woman require?   Strength, although of a different sort.  Being present and reliable– definitely.   And I personally think it takes strong self-esteem.  It takes a woman who is very secure in herself to be able to allow a man to lead.

For both men and women alike, compromise is part of adult life.   You can’t always have it your way.  And others can’t always have their way.

But it is the ebb and flow that keeps things interesting.   Sometimes you find that after making a compromise you really did not want to make, something great comes back to you.  Being somewhat selfless can bring tremendous rewards.

Love might not come for free.   But oftentimes the price we pay for what we get, in hindsight, can seem like a bargain indeed.

Life can be confusing at times.  Situations arise that we sometimes have a hard time handling.

I am painfully shy when put into an intimate scenario, at least in the beginning stages.

How to get from point A to point B is a very real conundrum.

It is rare that I meet a man I’m actually attracted to, and when I do, I become even more shy than I normally would be.

Not many men have the patience to deal with a woman as reserved as I can be.  It takes an exceptional guy who can draw me out.  Trust on my part is essential, but in addition to that, it requires a man who is willing to take control of a situation.  When it comes to spanking, I don’t want to make decisions.  I want them made for me.

I don’t stay reserved forever.  There is definitely another layer to my personality, buried deep.  Trying to find someone to explore those boundaries with is a challenge.  I just don’t have it in me to be spontaneously open– I have to be gently loosened and prepared.

But there is a wealth of pent up desire within me, longing to get out.

I feel sure that the right time will come, and when it does, it will have been worth waiting for!