For our baby girl
August 29, 2009
This week was a time of reflection for me. It marks the two year anniversary of the passing of my niece.
She was a baby. A beautiful, strong spirit with her whole life ahead of her. Losing her made me look at life with entirely new eyes, give things a different perspective– many of which I would never have considered before.
For many months after her death, I was angry. The death of a child makes no sense; there was no reason I could place that felt worthwhile.
Now, two years out, it is still difficult to understand. But, I am grateful to her, for the gifts she gave to me.
I am a different person now. I’ve learned to be much less judgmental, less impatient, more laid-back.
Little things… well, in the whole scheme of life, they often just don’t matter.
I used to feel a certain amount of guilt for the desires I hold. Many in society would not understand. Spanking– in an adult, consensual context– is just weird to many.
My “feminist” girlfriends would be appalled. Women such as myself are taking society back in time, instead of striving to go forward, always forward…
It has taken some hard lessons, but I’ve come to a place where I finally, firmly don’t agree with that thinking.
I’ve accepted that it is a private matter; not the norm for most, but more than okay for those of us who desire it. I (and women such as myself) are not taking society backwards. We are just living our lives– truthfully, completely, and in the way in which we choose.
Coming to that place of acceptance– that is a gift all on its own.
Thank you, M, wherever you are. Thank you for forcing me to look at the hard things, and start making the hard decisions. And wherever you are, I know someday, when my time comes, you’ll be waiting for me.
Until then…
