July 22, 2010
Well, I find myself continuing my hiatus, but this time it’s because of outside circumstances. I haven’t posted in quite some time, so I wanted to pop in and say hello to everyone who is still reading the archives.
Thoughts of submission are never far from my mind, and eventually I know I’ll be able to pursue finding that “right” relationship I’ve hoped for, for so long.
Timing is everything in life, hmm?
For now, I’m amazed at my blog stats, and that they have remained so high. So I’d like to say thank you to everyone for continuing to hang out here; this site really has been my outlet, as well as a labor of love.
Good thoughts and wishes to all. I look forward to the time when I can again devote my time here. Until then– happy spanking!
Here’s why I love geeks:
I finally gave into the Facebook “thing”, and have been reconnecting with old friends. Its been a blast and somewhat enlightening.
Its so interesting seeing how every life is different, the choices we all make as time goes by, and observing the people we become.
We all know the guy or girl who was pretty much discounted (by the opposite sex) during our school days. I’m no exception; I can think of a few.
It’s touching when someone asks, “How are you really?” And its even more touching when you know they actually care about the answer.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: It’s all about personality.
Kudos to the geeks of the world. You make the world a much better place.
(This picture is my idea of the geek I’d like to find– I love how his tie is tucked into his shirt so it doesn’t get in his way!)
April 12, 2010
April 5, 2010
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trust. I had an unfortunate experience a few weeks ago, a situation most guys won’t get, but the women will.
I trusted a (now ex) friend to cut my hair. She’d cut it before and truthfully, it looked better than it had in years. But she kept hounding me that it needed more taken off.
It’s only been short twice in my life– in junior high and right after the break up of my engagement. (I walked into a salon one night and said, “Cut it. All of it.” An impulse decision I regretted for over two years.) I simply hate the way I look with short hair– something I shared with the (now) previous friend.
I’m sure it’s not hard to see where this is going. Suffice it to say, my hair was below my bra strap. It now barely touches my collar.
I can hear the guys out there: Its hair, it will grow back…
Yes. It is only hair. But for women, our hair is quite often tied into how we feel about our femininity, self-confidence, even sensuality.
I keep looking in the mirror and thinking, “This is so not me.”
But the real issue here is trust. I trusted her– my friend– to respect my boundaries. She totally crossed the line– did what she wanted to do, knowing full well how upset I’d be.
In my last post I was candid about the emotional growth spurt I’ve been going through. Some of the things I’ve admitted to myself are frightening.
Admitting that I want to hand over control to a man scares me. Not enough to keep me from doing it, should the right guy ever arrive. But I realize how emotionally fragile I am, and how damaging it could be, if my trust is given incorrectly.
I know that in the type of relationship I desire, boundary lines will be crossed on occasion. It’s just not realistic to expect otherwise. Even the greatest guy in existence is still human. So trust will be broken at some point– it’s a given.
But there is a difference between misguided and deliberate intent.
Part of the issue (I think) is how hard it is to be honest about some of these things. It’s difficult to be straight out and direct. I’ve been considering what is okay, and what is not okay. Everyone in this lifestyle has different desires and different levels of kink.
But the physical really is only part if it. I think the mental aspect worries me more. Because in the wrong hands, the damage could be permanent. Not in the sense of leaving me crushed or broken– I’m stronger than that. More in the sense of leaving me never wanting to try again, and therefore living a life unfulfilled.
On the flip side… The mental aspect excites me greatly. I find myself wanting to play. Having finally faced up to what I want, and what’s been missing, I find the anticipation almost overwhelming.
I want to explore. And I want to be taught. I want to give a man permission to spank me to tears, and him to be strong enough to carry through. And man enough to comfort me afterward.
I need the release. I need the emotional connection. I need to “belong”.
I need to give my trust, because trust forms the bond. And the bond is what I’m longing for.
March 31, 2010
I see celebrities all the time. I work in LA and its commonplace to realize that the guy in line at Starbucks who looks like Nick Cage, really is Nick Cage.
These days I’m not starstruck, but it was fun at one time.
My friend and I were talking and she asked me who my favorite was. Who made my heart beat a little faster?
Two names came to mind, for two entirely different reasons.
Adrien Brody, because he’s hot. Hot in an odd, Rudolph Valentino way, that can’t quite be explained. But trust me when I say, he’s got it.
Sidney Poitier. Not because he’s hot, or sexy. Because he carries himself as a gentleman. It’s written all over him– dignity, refinement and a quiet sophistication.
When I was younger, I had the typical Hollywood crushes. Even today, several names come to mind when discussing fantasy… Rob Lowe… Keanu Reeves… John Stamos… Patrick Dempsey.
But what I realize is, all these names come to mind only for the superficial. I look at these men in the way men tend to look at women– because they’re pretty, not because they necessarily offer substance.
Substance. Not wealth, or fame, or even looks– substance is the all important element.
I was listening to U2 last night, reflecting on the lyrics of “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”. Sex and love is not what this song is about, but still, the words resonated.
Will I ever find it? Find him? The man who understands power, and the importance of using it wisely. Power under control. Now that’s sexy.
I’m looking for the man who gets it. Understands the dynamic, the responsibility that comes when a woman gives her trust.
For so many men, its nothing more than a game. For most women, it’s not. There are usually deep psychological reasons most of us are attracted to this lifestyle. And so few men are equipped to give us what we really need.
I want a man to come into my life and take control. I want to be dominated and disciplined. I want to feel protected and cared for. I’m just so tired of feeling scared.
But to allow a man that amount of control, there has to be trust. He has to prove he’s worthy of such loyalty; worthy of such a gift as true submission.
Giving that gift is something I never thought I’d ever really want to do. Recently it occurred to me that I’ve been alone so long, not because I can’t find Mr. Right, but because I didn’t really want to find Mr. Right. I still had sorting out to do.
How far do I want to go? How far do I want to take this lifestyle? Do I want only play, or real discipline? And do I want to partake of any other disciplinary methods, besides spanking?
I’ve realized that maybe I want to go deeper than I previously thought, try things I would have said an emphatic NO to a year ago.
I’ve also realized that this only makes finding the right guy even harder. Because to draw me out will take patience. I’m still shy. I’m still reserved. And I don’t trust easily.
In over a decade of being single, I’ve sparked with two men. And only one that I wanted this life with.
The positive is, I’m getting to know myself really well. Its getting easier to find the answers to the previously unanswerable questions. Hopefully it won’t take another decade before someone comes into my life that I actually want to answer them for.
March 14, 2010
Well… its been a while. I haven’t been here in some time. (Not in a real way, anyway.) All the posts over the last three months were written long ago, saved in draft, and for whatever reason, I just never published them.
I stepped away from the community sometime in December. I found myself frustrated and confused, unable to manifest the life I’ve really wanted, and suddenly tired of trying.
I haven’t written anything spanking related for several months, haven’t visited other blogs or watched any videos. I really felt the need to block anything to do with spanking out of my mind.
My one concession, however, was an impulse buy; a book purchased from Naughty Reads called Different Loving.
(I actually saw the book at Borders one day and flipped through it, but no way was I taking it up to the check stand!)
Different Loving is a psychological look at our world, and all the variances. It’s not written to be titillating or arousing; to the contrary, it is contemplative, open and enlightening.
I found myself facing questions that I hadn’t wanted to face before.
I’ve always maintained that I am not a submissive woman, and I still think that is basically true. But I’ve realized I want to want to be submissive, to the right man. I want the love and strength of the right man to bring the submissive side out of me.
I’ve also realized that a dysfunctional childhood never completely heals. I’ve done my best to face my demons, lay the ghosts of horrible memories to rest.
Memories never go away, but I feel it is up to us where the control lies. Do we choose to control them, or allow them to control us?
I’ve had a spanking fetish for as long as I can remember. Like so many others, it began in early childhood. But I’ve come to realize that for me, it is somewhat a means of channeling the pain. Emotional pain into physical, in order to let it go. The payoff being emotional release, the bonus being sexual arousal.
Having discovered all this, would I change myself, if I could?
I’m proud of who I am, and although its taken many years to get here, I like who I am.
Not having a spanking fetish would make dating easier, to be certain.
But I still wouldn’t change, given the choice. I’m just fine, exactly the way I am.
March 12, 2010
February 16, 2010
It’s interesting to me the different tastes we all have. For instance, what one person finds a turn-on, to the next is a turn-off.
Some time back, I read with interest a list by Carly (Brambleberry Blush) of her likes and dislikes, or naughty versus nice.
Sweet lingerie– good. “Scanky” lingerie– bad. Paddles, belts, hairbrushes–good. Whips, canes, crops–bad. You get the idea.
Certain words totally do it for me. Others kill the mood instantly. This is the reason I don’t care for true erotica. As soon as I see those certain words on the page, I’m done.
But isn’t it interesting how we’re all so different? For instance, I love the word bottom but really could do without the word ass. The word beat conjures up all sorts of negative images, yet the word thrash pushes all sorts of buttons. Go figure! According to my thesaurus, they’re basically the same.
And although I agree with Carly about the lingerie and skanky costumes, I personally love the cane.
But I don’t care for any sort of whip– too dungeon like, for me. But certain crops are okay, although not a favorite implement of mine. Don’t like anything that leans too close to bdsm– no leather, no chains, no gags…
But tied wrists, as in this picture, I find way erotic.
So it leaves me wondering how two people find common ground? Do you let him use the whip because its his favorite toy? Do you agree to the favorite toy– which you detest– for discipline only? Or do you dig your heals in and refuse?
So many questions to consider!
February 8, 2010
Most of us have had many discussions regarding the concept of submission. I have written about my take on being submissive, in a post or two quite some time ago.
To me, the idea always comprised somehow giving something of myself up, somehow. To be a submissive woman, you’re suppose to cow to your man, walk ten steps behind him, yada yada yada…
Never happening in my world. I’m not even comfortable with the idea of handing all the decisions over to a husband, if I had one.
I’m a big girl; I make decisions every day, thank you.
But a gentleman presented a different viewpoint to me recently, one I had never considered, and it has intrigued me enough to want to write about it.
To him, it’s more of a centering; becoming focused by temporarily giving up control.
I have to say, this I can get on board with. After a lifetime of fighting with the idea of submissiveness, I can actually accept this concept. Because I’m not giving anything up; on the contrary, I’m being given a gift of release, however temporary.
Now before I get a ton of e-mail– I know this is not the way it works for a lot of you. But for me– strong, independent city girl– I can wrap my head around this.
Of course, it helps if there is chemistry between two people. And that certain look a man gets in his eye…